Healthy Boundaries and Controlling Boundaries

One of the most commonly used words you will hear in therapy is the word “boundary.” You will hear it in individual therapy, you will hear it in couples therapy, you will hear it in family therapy, and you will hear people on TikTok use it in all sorts of ways. As more people have had access to therapy, there has coincided a phenomenon of the “weaponization” of therapy speak, best described as a person misusing ideas or principles they learned in therapy as a way of achieving their own goals. This sort of behavior can exist on a spectrum from the relatively harmless to what many would define as actively abusive. It is that latter category that interests me in regard to boundaries. 

Years ago, there was a public feud between an actor and his girlfriend, wherein she alleged that the actor in question was using the concept of boundaries as a way to emotionally manipulate and isolate her. While I am loathe to use such a public example in this case, I think it is quite illustrative. One of the “boundaries” the actor was putting on his girlfriend included no posting pictures of herself online in bathing suits (she was a surfer). The actor in question framed this as a boundary to protect his own anxiety. However, in reality, this isn’t a boundary at all. It is a mechanism of control. In this instance his girlfriend’s earnings are impacted, as she had brand deals. Beyond this, it functions as a control of her image, which is not something most would consider appropriate in a relationship. 

So, the question we must ask ourselves is, what constitutes a healthy boundary, and what constitutes controlling behavior? It is a tricky question, as any boundary does exert some impact on the person you are placing the boundary on. For example, what many would consider a reasonable boundary is “I cannot be in a relationship with you if you keep talking to your former romantic partners.” Another is “I cannot continue to be friends with you if you continue to abuse alcohol.” As with almost any topic, context would be relevant to both of these boundaries, but these are both examples of what are largely considered to be socially acceptable boundaries. 

On the other hand, a boundary such as “I cannot be in a relationship with you if you continue being friends with other men/women” is something that many would define as being controlling. I would agree with that assessment. 

So, with this information in hand, what constitutes a healthy boundary? If we are trying to set a boundary with a romantic partner, friend, or family member how do we know if it is healthy or controlling? If someone sets a boundary with us, how do we determine for ourselves if it is reasonable? While these are context dependent, ask yourself the following questions about a boundary you are setting or has been set on you to determine if it is healthy?

Question 1: Is this boundary isolating? This is one of the first signs that a boundary may be veering off into unhealthy territory. To use some examples from above, “I cannot be in a relationship with you if you continue being friends with other men/women”. In most contexts, this is something that is relatively isolating and begins at a baseline of mistrust. It isolates your significant other from friends and is more about controlling them than protecting your own emotionality. To contrast, while “I cannot be friends with you if you continue to abuse alcohol” does exert control over another person’s behavior, it does not isolate them. In that instance the person still has the option of friendships, just not with the boundary setter.
Question 2: Is this protecting me from something I should be working on internally? This might be the hardest question to answer, especially as gaining comfort with anything discomforting usually involves some layering of boundaries. For example, someone who has been cheated on romantically may have a legitimate anxiety about infidelity, and they may find it reasonable to place a “no contact with the other sex” boundary. However, ultimately that boundary signals a fundamental lack of trust in a partner, and that is an anxiety they may want to work on internally before being in a relationship. 
Question 3: Would I be ok with this boundary being reciprocated? A version of the golden rule. For example, setting a boundary of “I will not spent time with you if you are mean to me” is a boundary that is extremely healthy in terms of reciprocity. If setting a boundary of “I cannot be around you if you abuse alcohol” it would be perfectly reasonable for the person with the boundary is being placed on to say “Fine, but please do not drink or have alcohol around me.” This is, however, imperfect. Someone who sets a “do not speak with the other sex if we are dating” boundary may find the inverse perfectly acceptable in regard to their own behavior. That leads us to:

Question 4: Does this boundary respect the autonomy of the person I am placing it on? When placing a boundary, we should be mindful of the autonomy of the person we are placing it on. Does it allow them to still feel feelings? Does it allow them to make their own decisions? For example, a boundary of “I will not engage in a discussion with you if you yell at me” is a reasonable boundary that respects autonomy. It allows the person to continue to have their feelings but is merely stating they cannot yell. An unhealthy version of this idea would be something like “You cannot watch horror movies because they cause me distress” is not a healthy boundary, as it does not respect the other person’s autonomy and decision making. A healthier version would be “Please do not watch horror movies while I am in the house.” That still gives the other person a reasonable way to enjoy that hobby while protecting you from distress.
Question 5: Is the mechanism of control I am exerting appropriate? Ultimately, all boundaries are exerting some amount of control on another person. There is no way around that. Of course, the wide societal contract of social behavior does involve some amount of give and take. We cannot be creatures of pure id at all times. As such, we must ask if what we are asking of others is appropriate. Relationships are a great example of this. It would be widely considered appropriate in most monogamous relationships to say, “I cannot be in a relationship with you are engaging in romantic relationships with other people.” That is an appropriate mechanism of control for a person in a relationship based on their agreed upon relationship structure. By contrast, a friend saying to another friend “I cannot be friends with you if you attempt to make friends with others” would not be an appropriate mechanism of control as that goes beyond a reasonable ask of a friend (and also is profoundly isolating as is covered in Question 1). 

Question 6: What does my therapist think of it? To be clear, therapists are not arbiters of all things. We are not judges or juries in the court of human behavior. However, if you are unsure about a boundary that you wish to place on another person, or that has been placed on you, ask your therapist what they think! Your therapist can help you determine if it is healthy or if it is unhealthy. Your therapist can also help you get at the core of why you need the boundary in the first place. Finally, your therapist might be able to tell you if something seems a little strange, or if there is a healthier boundary you could try placing.