Resolutions that Work
Ah, yes. That old thing: the New Year’s resolution. How easily our motivation and best intentions seem to fall away. After a rough 2020 (to say the least), there is a lot of hope for 2021. If you’re looking to make lasting change in your life, here are some recommendations to build new habits that become your new “M.O.” for 2021 and beyond.
Figure out your “Why”: Shame-based vs. desire-based resolutions
It goes without saying that a goal is only as valuable as its value to you. It can be easy to be convinced to take up goals that seem popular or that come from an external source. Focusing on a goal that is truly your own and comes from a place of authenticity will give you the motivation to continue even when it gets difficult. Therapist Iris McAlpin speaks about shame-based versus desire-based resolutions. If your resolution comes with a “should” (or “need to” or “have to”) idea, it’s probably shame-based (e.g., “I need to get my finances in order.”) These goals tend to be focused on pleasing others or responding to an external pressure. While these goals are not inherently bad, they don’t set you up for continued success. Desire-based resolutions, on the other hand, focus on your well-being or enrichment in an authentic ways that enhances self-esteem and self-respect. For example, a desire-based resolution might be, “I’d like to prioritize my financial well-being so I can better care for myself and others.” These kinds of goals maintain their power through aspiration; even when you “mess up” you can easily get back on track by remembering your intention. What previously would have been thought of as a “failure” becomes information to help us understand where we got off track and how to adjust in the future.
Make “Tiny Habits” and celebrate them
In the book Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything, Dr. BJ Fogg highlights the importance of starting small (and he means SMALL) to make it virtually impossible to fail at your new habit. For example, if your goal is to read more, your new habit could be to read one paragraph. If you want to be more active, your new habit could be to walk to the end of the block every morning. Dr. Fogg also recommends linking your new habit with another part of your existing routine. For example, “After I have my morning coffee, I walk to the end of the block,” or “When I get out of bed in the morning, I drink a glass of water.”
The emotions we link with our behaviors determine whether we want to keep doing them or not. Forcing ourselves to do things we don’t like doesn’t magically create a habit in 21 (or 30 or 66) days. By “celebrating” when you achieve your tiny habit, you tell your brain: This is good. We want to keep doing this! Your celebration should be your own: It could be saying positive words in your head, fist-pumping, giving yourself a high-five…really anything that tells you “YES! That was great!” will help you build up your habit.
Make yourself accountable
The old tried-and-true accountability factor! As much as we don’t like failing, we REALLY don’t like failing in front of other people. We also like to be consistent to ourselves and others: If I say I’m going to do something, I really want to actually do it. Your accountability buddy could be a friend or family member or even a therapist. While none of these people will judge you when you miss your goal, they will help you remember your “Why” and make adjustments to be more successful next time.
Resources:
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43261127-tiny-habits
https://www.npr.org/2020/02/25/809256398/tiny-habits-are-the-key-to-behavioral-change