The Burden of Constantly Defending Your Identity
If you’re someone with a marginalized identity (e.g., disabled, BIPOC, transgender, autistic), you probably know the struggle of people expecting you to educate them on your identity. While people’s intentions can range from innocent curiosity to active bigotry, there’s a real emotional impact of feeling like you are constantly being required to explain and even defend your personal identities as a prerequisite for people to treat you with respect.
Some real-life examples of this phenomenon could be:
A white person asking their Black coworker: “Can I touch your hair? Well, why not? I’m just curious what it feels like.”
A stranger commenting on someone using a cane: “Why are you using a cane? You’re so young! You don’t look disabled to me.”
A parent talking to their nonbinary child: “I don’t understand all this gender stuff... why can’t you just be happy with the gender you were born as?”
For some folks, it can help to set boundaries or have a gameplan of what to do when someone says something ignorant or expects an explanation of your identity. Of course, if you’re close enough with this person to feel good talking with them about your identity, then you can do so—it could be a learning moment and an opportunity for connection. But depending on the situation and your comfort level with the person, some other ways you could respond are:
Deflect with another question: “Why do you want to know?” or “What do you mean by that?”
Change the topic of conversation: “Oh shoot, I need to get started on that science project that’s due on Friday. Have you started it yet?”
Be honest about your feelings: “I don’t really want to talk about that. Can we talk about something else?”
Set a firm boundary: “That’s not an appropriate question to ask. Let’s move on, or I will need to leave this conversation.”
It can feel like a heavy weight on your shoulders when simply being yourself feels like it requires an explanation. You might feel frustrated, burnt out, distrustful, exhausted, angry, or insecure. These are all normal things to feel in a world that’s unaccommodating and hostile to certain types of people. It’s important to prioritize your emotional needs in these situations, whether that be through standing up for yourself, leaving the situation, or doing something nice for yourself after it happens (e.g., talk to a trusted friend, eat a good meal, listen to your favorite song).
Above all, remember that you don’t owe an explanation to anyone for being who you are!